Almost Honest

Nothing feels right or on track.

Not my head, not my thoughts. Not my job, not my family. Not my social life or love life.

I go to a job I no longer care for, 10+ hours a day, leading me to where I don’t want to go (if anywhere at all). I worry about my family and loved ones every minute of the day. I’m not doing enough for my faith. My diet is non-existent. My skin and style receive no attention from me. I’m gaining weight instead of losing it when I’m overweight, but I can’t stop comfort eating, even after a good day of self-control.

My brain is fuzzy. My worries are loud.

I try to control my thoughts and attention, and I end up lost. I call it self-awareness, not mental exhaustion. But it is exhaustion.

I have a long to-do list of life admin and self-care without ticking any of it off. I try at work, after the debilitating quiet coasting of days on end, to catch up. I see slight improvements, then, just as quickly, someone outshines all my work without even trying. Then I’m back to square zero. Everything I build crumbles.

I try to practise gratefulness, but I have no grace to give.

It hurts being so lost. Especially after having such high dreams and hope, and after working so hard.

I could give up everything in the blink of an eye.

Because right now, the reality is, I don’t care.

I just don’t.

About my direction. About my life.

I just want to quit this cycle. This job. This mindset.

I want better for myself. Not in an entitled, bratty way. But I have endured enough for one person. At least for now.

I need a break.

I’m only holding on to this persona to not disappoint my loved ones. To not disappoint my younger siblings. If I give up now, what will happen to them? My younger sibling is going through much more. I can’t give up and expect them to keep going. I need to be strong for them.

May God give me this strength.

I don’t have solutions.

Only questions and worries, for now.