Almost Honest

In the midst of the chaos that goes through my head, I search for the calming silence to help me get by and make sense of life. I search for that in my deen (religion and way of life), my work, my knowledge, my interests… yet I can’t seem to locate it easily. I have previously found it briefly after long conversations with my Creator. I know and believe it is not a one-sided conversation, but some days my head casts a shadow over the peace I have found with Him.

Yet, I am unsettled. I am lost and I can’t decide what I need to change first. I either want to fix all my problems all at once or lie there and give up on everything. Because when the thoughts flow and I see my life and problems all in front of me, I can’t pick which I want to tackle first. And then I think about what the point is…

I look externally for reasons to improve it all. Then I give up. Then I get a surge of energy to fix up again. I would be lying if I said the cycle is not exhausting. I am truly trying to take every day as it comes. But also, the wait for a clear path of a problem-free life looks long and windy to me.

I can only surrender all this to a higher power. Something above my capability can take care of this because, as a person, all this is starting to be too much. Where is my yaqeen (certainty and conviction in God) and Tawakkul (trust and reliance upon God) when they should shine?

Is this misery or life at its peak? Is this deen (faith) or lust in dunya (the worldly life)? Is this me or shaytan (Satan) speaking? I ask myself without any responses again.

I’m not sure why I write this, but maybe it is a way to vent what’s inside. Otherwise, my internal capacity will exceed its limitations. How life spins you around is unbelievable. Sometimes I feel as though rest is not in the books for me. Mental rest, that is.

I trust it’s a lesson I’m being taught. I trust it will work out for the better. And in hardship comes ease.